The Worst of Heroes
by MirrorShard
Summary: "Somewhere out there, Thor is laughing at him. Loki just knows it." Loki contemplates Midgardian courting rituals, overexcitable not-brothers, and other, common, problems one has to face when dating a super hero.


**| The Worst of Heroes |**

 _In which Loki is a Drama Queen™, great liberties are taken with the MCU canon beyond CA-TWS, and everyone is happy. Or at least Tony and Loki are._

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Mortals seriously underestimate the pains that come with dating Anthony Stark, Loki has been forced to realise early on.

For one thing–though admittedly through no fault of his own–Anthony is Midgardian. Loki has to admit, if only in the privacy of his own mind, that he has failed to anticipate the _complications_ that brings. It has lead to many a misunderstanding in the beginning.

For example, Loki had not realised that multiple invitations for a shared meal or drink, even when offered during combat situations, could express a romantic interest. A formal announcement of one's intentions has apparently fallen out of style in Midgard. Instead it is expected to follow a carefully choreographed dance in which even insults to one's face can contain a hidden subtext (commonly referred to as flirting).

In retrospect, he should have caught up on Midgardian culture before accepting the drink Anthony had offered him.

It was only when, during one of their traditional fights, Captain America had interrupted them with an incredulous, _"Iron Man, what are you doing?"_ and Anthony had replied with a snappish, _"Getting distracted by Loki's pretty, green eyes, what does it look like, Cap?"_ that Loki had reevaluated their previous encounters and come to the obvious conclusion. He had it confirmed later that night, when he had decided to throw decorum into the wind (the perks of being a villain) and had kissed Anthony breathless.

Still, even to this day the Midgardian ways serve to confuse and aggravate Loki from time to time. Like when Anthony insisted to try his patience by finding other women and men to accompany him to various galas and functions.

"What is your problem?" he had yelled at one point. "So we slept together once, and now you go all territorial on me? What the fuck, Loki?"

Which had led to their second argument. "Oh, so we sleep together twice and suddenly I owe you something?"

Which had let to a couple more arguments before Loki had finally decided to put his fury into broken down, easily understood, Midgardian terms, and made it clear that they were– _dating_. (He still shudders when confronted with this juvenile, utterly insufficient term.)

Unfortunately not even clarifying their relationship status has solved all his troubles. Indeed to this day he as to accept other mortal's on his Anthony's arm–because apparently showing up with a super villain at a charity dinner is socially frowned upon. _Mortals_.

Another difficulty Loki has been encountering is resisting the urge to wipe his Anthony's friends off this plane of existence. It is proving to be more challenging than he had initially anticipated.

There is Captain Rogers with the most irritating judgemental glare, who can't stop arguing about being compromised. Loki has seen it fit to return the favour and ensure the Winter Soldier the Captain is so obsessively hunting has slipped his grasp time and again.

Barton despises him, and makes a show of confirming the sentiment as often as possible. While Loki appreciates the mortal's hatred–one has to get his entertainment somewhere, these days–Anthony is less amused.

The green rage monster Loki does a good job of avoiding at all costs. Not that he is wary of the creature, not at all. It simply seems prudent to not start a senseless fight. Anthony gets awfully upset when his tower gets damaged.

Romanoff, the perfect, little spy, has the sense to watch from afar. Sometimes Loki amuses himself by foiling her observation with a well-placed illusion but for the most part he ignores her.

In any case, the worst of the lot is, without a doubt, Thor. His not-brother. The less said about the overexcitable nuisance the better.

Compared with these irritating flies Loki considers James Rhodes and Virginia Potts almost bearable. Almost. They are still mortal. He's already overlooking this unfortunate weakness in his Anthony, he refuses to make allowances for anyone else.

But while they greet him with caution, distrust and open threats, Loki has found himself reluctantly respecting them. They are focused on the danger he poses to his Anthony first, their own issues with his past transgressions coming second.

Potts in particular refuses to treat him with anything but cool professionalism. Her analytical mind and iron self-control is clearly wasted on the self-important morons she seems to surround herself with. (As a villain, Loki understands her plight. Finding capable minions is not as simple as most assume.)

At least regularly enduring the presence of unworthy mortals has given Loki a new appreciation for what his Anthony once laughingly described as 'the long game'. After all, his Anthony is still a mortal, and as– _odd_ –he will die eventually. And when he dies, so does his protection. In the end, having to wait gives one so much more time to plan.

Beyond the company he keeps, his Anthony himself also has a habit of irritating Loki. His refusal to carry his given name with pride and instead insist on allowing those worthless mortals to call him Tony is one of those things Loki absolutely refuses to let go.

He endures, but nobody–not even his Anthony–appreciates the effort it takes him.

By far the worst about dating Tony Stark though, is that he is a hero. A _hero_. Really, Loki doesn't know what he was thinking. It can not have been much. For why else would he find himself once again having to watch the back of a bumbling fool with more luck than sense when it comes to his personal safety?

Perhaps he has been brainwashed by the little SHIELD underlings, because Loki has a hard time imagining he would be in this position had he any of that cunning intelligence left, he has always been accused of.

Loki glares heatedly at his sleeping Anthony.

He could have been a weak, useless mortal. He could have been a backstabbing traitor. He could have been using this dating business to try and redeem Loki, but no. No, it was much worse than that. His Anthony just had to be a hero.

And of course, his Anthony just had to throw himself in front of Loki–the much less vulnerable demigod with more tricks up his sleeve than years his Anthony had drawn breath–and shield him with his body. His _suit-less_ body.

Loki wants nothing more than to murder his mortal, but has had to settle for their brainless assailant instead. What cruel fate he has been given!

His Anthony is healed now of course, far quicker than the mundane medical skills of this world would have allowed. But Loki is no master of the craft–nor, for that matter, can he be around to strangle his Anthony for his foolish choices at all times of the day.

His Anthony sighs quietly in his sleep but does not wake, presses himself a little closer into Loki's side. Loki's glare softens, before immediately returning with new fervour.

 _Heroes_. Loki huffs. _And I just had to end up with the worst of the lot._

Somewhere out there, Thor is laughing at him. He just knows it.

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 _Reviews are always appreciated ;)_


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